59.

To be brutally honest about what going up against he bar is like, I can only compare it to Catholic guilt times a gajillion.  Every second that you’re working, you’re filled with self-doubt.  Every second you’re not working, you’re wracked with the same feelings, but worse, because you’re always thinking to yourself: ‘Why aren’t I working?’

I have to admit that right now, I am unhappy with myself.

I’ve managed to play video-games, watch an episode of the Wire, ordered shit food, and had a drink of whiskey (twice, maybe three times tonight).  I am staying away from my GF because we weren’t getting along and I am feeling very sad and alone.  Alone, despite the fact that my roommate actually took the time to watch the show and order the food with me.

I think watching that much palpable desperation is a very big and sad thing.  You can see it on both sides of the wire, and I was -somewhat honestly at least- attempting to avoid all of the ugly gritty aspects of “the real world” while I attempted to get this studying done.

You can’t.

It’s time to accept tha tthe world is an ugly, horrible, bitter place, in general, and that we really only find solace in small things and moments.  Accomplishments are fleeting, friendships lost, and life in general just so fragmented and awful that even if I were not to remain anonymous, I am relatively certain that the impact of this writing and my life in general is not too large.

There’s a giant question of how I am supposed to survive in the world, and the truth is, quite plainly, that although I had always been able to do so before, I do not believe that I will be able to soon.  Applications fall on blind eyes.  Mentors are never truly there.  Love is just an ugly complex thing, and my family …

Egad.

They desire me to return to state X, from whence I came.  They admit that it’s selfish, and I can see the logic of it all, but I’m not truly satisfied here either, yet.

Do I believe that a job would make it all better?

Partially.

Passing the bar?

Better still.

Money?

Yes, more than the bar-loan I’ve requested, for certain.  That amount is sadly minimal.  Woefully minimal.  And my credit appears awful as well.

Then there are questions like: How can the GF love me?

It’s apparent that I am having hard enough of a time, loving myself.

The flip-side of this is quite apparent though:

There are a number of things that are totally within my power, which will help me to feel empowered.

I can continue to apply for jobs.

I can attempt networking more.

I can limit my spending.

I can tell the GF that I love her- it’s true, it’s just a very tough thing to actually address-

also, children are desired I think, by her… That’s oil and water for professionals.

Still, I can keep on track with my coursework.

I can exercise more often.

I can complete my notes tonight and tell her how I feel.

On a different note, though, readers,

however you came here

thank you

graciously for being here

even in this tiny moment

where I felt a little bit down.

Ethics Committee, I’ve purged-

A. Nonymous